Welcome back and step inside to Part III of the bad reviews! Part I, it is only under the old rules on my journal here , Part II here.
title
Authors: phoenix_of_light or thunder-dragon and Haruki_Zorro
The maltreated fandom: One Piece, Yu-Gi-Oh! and Inu-Yasha
The hare-brained plot: In a there Zukunfstwelt a very evil dictator, the Mary Sue Mayumi using Inu-Yasha from the Middle Ages, Lorenor Zorro from the pirate era and Seto Kaiba from the young modern wants to conquer. The (nonexistent) story line is just a flimsy excuse to Zorro to marry off with Sue.
The anti-quality of the characters: Mayumi is the perfect Mary Sue, who knows everything can, and constantly herumzickt and is still adored by all. Zorro has lost brain and pride, Seto is virtually non-existent and Inu-Yasha must only occur as a nurse-side kick. In addition, we meet at Geek! Sue Ayaka, Stu! Tatsuja and a hybrid of Mr. 2 and dictator, Yutaka Ishimoto.
Positives & Negatives: + grammar and spelling mostly very good
+ no ~ FLASH BACK °+~ Intro
+ no synonyms for the main characters
- but this min in each set.
three names - still no proper thought form
- the characters are still flat and uninteresting
- the plot is moved not a bit ahead
Chapter 3: Ayaka
But what happened to the mysterious evening, vanished in the Ayaka? (stands Well, at least not here ~ FLASH BACK °+~
Cut: Mayumi and Ayaka apparently have the same birthday. Congratulations.
"Hey cool, a first aid kit! Thanks Ayaka! "Said Mayumi pleased. "Oh Mayumi, you ignoramus! This is not a normal first-aid kit! This is a sword fight wounds emergency first aid kit! (Well, sometimes you really impertinent underexposed Vollidiotin! That is but brettelbreit on it! Registered trademark!) The tinctures are even designed in part to injuries of magical swords. (wounds of magic swords? Can it polish out scratches or what?) "
Now Mayumi beamed even more so a great gift she had received had never happy (besides they are on the compliments that her friend had made her,) but what Ayaka got from Mayumi? (a narrator and a stupid question! Congratulations!) What gave is a girl who was with a computer from the nose of the happiest man in the world? (? Ehm - a mousepad A DSL subscription a pink canopy bed cover with PCs on it) was But it was unimaginative nciht:
Cut: The Sue has been reading too much Harry Potter and considers himself incredibly innovative in that it gives Ayaka a photo album. They must also prepare for the great house party, for war or not, must be fun!
"So 'n Shit!" Said Mayumi at a level that Ayaka almost fell off the ears (Mayumis Special Move: Dezibelfluch Category kindergarten. GO!).
"Mayumi, how many times shall I actually say that there is no swearing in this house! (because under this umbrella, no primitive insults be tolerated. And anyway, how you look like? Combing the hair you so kindly!) "Ayaka chided with a grin, repeating a quote that Mayumis mother had used more than happy. (Remember how compassionate, a friend on her birthday to her dead mother's obvious, especially not in this way!)
"Yes Mama!" Mayumi was played annoyed on the matter.
Cut: It is cleaned up and the haphazard Geek Sue sent for shopping, as there seems no straight Catering services available!. This brings us to this dream location set:
But two things were missing: the ingredients and what was even more mysterious Ayaka. ("Who wants to bake a good cake ...." - No, seriously this is a case for Aiman Abdallah Mysterious!).
As the bell rang at the door.
Huh? Does she now have forgotten their keys? IMPOSSIBLE! (Hello new form of thought!)
stomped furiously to the door and ripped it with Exploud on (What fees reception for your best friend. I also congratulate the grand onomatopoeia.).
"Well did you character ...", but set them in Motzigkeit, but in mid-sentence remained her words stuck in my throat (and they choked miserably, because unfortunately the sword wounds, emergency first aid kit was not designed to Sueblödheit .) . Ayaka not stand at the door but ... (Drama! points)
"TATSUJA! What are you doing here? The party will start but only by four. And why bring Daisuke with you? (If the general house-trained already?) "
Cut: Stu Tatsuja, pale and otherwise colorless, calls his little brother to Dai-chan to tell what happened.
"I wanted to go fast again, because I've seen how these men wanted something from Ayaka. They have spoken only briefly with her, and then out into her Skyomobil (* lol * I'm really only "Skimobil" read ... ) dragged. They must indeed be quite rich. The Skyomobil had all sorts of Extra parts and engraved on his rear was a YI. "
" A YI? Do you mean a golden, the black is surrounded by a lion? "Interrupted Mayumi him short.
"Yes, exactly how do you know?"
"Yutaka Ishimoto! (it raise your hand if you find that name yet cliché.) "Tatsuja Mayumi and cried simultaneously.
The dictatorial ruler had actually managed: (He was my turn came at "Pimp My Ride" and) Ayaka He was kidnapped, as had long been his plan. Mayumi took a long time to recover from the shock. (They had sent the now seventh application!)
Tatsuja was the presence of mind to appeal to the rest of the friends and call off the party ( ultimately that was the most important. You could also try it later to save, but not until the party had to be canceled so that Mayumi did not have to clear up yet.) . He explained briefly what had happened (on the phone because it is so of wholly banal information) and promised the next evening at the headquarters (he was still on safety to take time out the address of the secret base, and wondered what that meant probably quiet crackling on the line) look. Headquarters? Yes headquarters! (Yes, I've figured out that you can write the word.) because the friends were good for two years more than that! (More than just a headquarters? So a fifth major?) As Yutaka Ishimoto after the death of Ayakas father, Yoshio, the sole power to crack the (that was Sue's father, the previous dictator or what? * Insert.plot.here *) and since then suppressed the people of the country, founded the three childhood friends, (which unfortunately also stopped at this same stage of development were) Ayaka, Mayumi and Tatsuja, a rebel group, the now thirty-odd members (Wow! So many the same!) people were doing good where they could. Open and hidden, (paradox and not) they went against the Terroregim of Ishimoto. By Mayumi, which dominated the fighting, more than any other (because she was a Sue) . Ayaka, who had a logical head of the gang already cracked so many codes. And Tatsuja whose mitlitärische planning and still love nature (military planning is a property?) , but provided that the other obeyed him. They had become an unbeatable team, which lacked only often money to carry out their actions. (But Mayumi had insisted that they buy with the budget as the first one multi-cappuccino machine for the quarters skin.) .
Cut: It is kept short of war, students should Tatsuja search for Ayaka, Mayumi find the reason for the kidnapping!.
woke Meanwhile Ayaka on, in a completely unknown environment.
(...)
White linen with pink flowers, brown Leather sofa, a light blue Spitzentischdeckchen (hovering in the air without a table) and geraniums boxes on the balcony railing (WTBH? ) ...
Where was she ended up here? Which square is responsible for this room? (The same as for the time jump, I suppose. Maybe this is a new method of torture at Guantanamo. Instead of AC / DC to run at full volume, are now locked the inmates in solitary confinement in square rooms. ) . As if on command
a great man entered the room (Sexy baby, sexy! The Handetasche be alive be!) . Three heavy diamond rings sparkled on his fingers.
"Ayaka, Liiiiiiiiiiiebes, (my iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii key leiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider stuck!) I see you're finally woken up, beautiful! Do you like your new room? "
Yutaka Ishimoto began advertising its full smile on (for the empty smile toothpaste sold not so good), when he took Ayaka next to the bed space. She moved instinctively a piece of him and his nasty-smelling aftershave away (which he also contributed for advertising purposes. Tyra and Heidi finally said, you must be able to sell products that you hate yourself.) .
"Yes, clearly," she replied only hypocritical, but could not hold back but then: "Could you kindly tell me where the toilet is, I find that sucks" (Huh, was quick-witted for an answer! Ayaka's got the Suepower!)
Ishimoto moved back a few inches closer to Ayaka (, wisely holding the bucket under her head was because the emperors Prada suit brand new, ) an arm and tried to put it (But somehow it disabled the comma) . "But Ayaka, Liiiiiiiebe what fits you no sense? I would change everything for you, what you wish (except my keyboard and my hairstyle. Hach, that was a Reiiii ~ home!)! "
Cut: The regulator
But how do they do it because it was after all in the most guarded Fortress of the Western world (western world? This would help to turn interesting when the Japanese took control of the world.) . Yutaka Ishimoto If someone wanted to have with him, then escaped to him so easily. The Ayaka was clear very quickly. I need to buy time for Mayumi, she thought, she is now my only hope (she's a Sue!) . But it will take time.
"Ayaka Love! (I have figured out how the keyboard works!) "
What is that here you resist, they wondered agitated, declared himself a moment later to rest again. If they could frighten him now, they put their time-wasting elsewhere.
"Yutaka Liiiiiiiiebes! (I think I've pressed angeste ~!) "she was a hypocrite on his meet-market.
In her mind she repeated, however, only a single derogatory word: Get out!
"Dear, you look so tense! Have you slept well? " (slept? Learn Model! Yutaka for about a medieval movie?)
Again, this slimy smile.
"No, I have since my new bedding sleeps, it is quite pleasant (Buy flowers! As long as supplies last! Yutaka original connotations today at half price!) . I'm just wondering where my laptop is "
Ishimoto reached into the suitcase he carried.
Cut: He gives her the notebook and will again, that she marries him. But is not it, because she hates him
Ishimoto it broke in: "... the little Tatsuja, I know! Just as I know (what you did last summer and) , that sleep in a dark blue upholstered bed, your girlfriend Mayumi favorite drink Capppuccino (is a Sue, upholstered in a turquoise Sue sleeps! poster bed) her in a sweet house (with time warps and unusual art) lives and like to me trying to make life difficult! ('s Confess! You've wrapped my house on Halloween with toilet paper!) "
Ayakas jaw sagged in his words, inch by inch down further (Once on the ground, she crawls as fast as possible from the BF) . She stammered: "Where ... (We have yet used all our extra equipment to rebels to remain undetected !) "
Again he interrupted her:" ... I know all this? Nuuuuun, I have my friends (General Haffenloher amused himself surrounded by his friends). One of them is in your cute little revolt group (she's cute? Duziduzidu!) ! You can you remind Saburo? (If you see him you can ask him whether he has set my position right?) We like to meet for tea in my beautiful sleeps
Duh. That's it for now from me again. And do not like Sue's cross your path!
